Today I feel like pouring myself a nice cocktail of benzodiazepines so I can escape the emotional pain I’m in, just for a few seconds of peace and quiet. This is what living with anxiety feels like and I’m one fuck up away from a panic attack. I swear I could drop a spoon and all hell will break loose, and everyone within a 20 meter radius of this cafe will see a girl crying on the floor like a little baby not being able to breathe. But my makeup looks too damn perfect today for me to give in to such feelings in public, I do have some self respect after all.
People tend to see those battling with anxiety, depression and other mental issues as a sign of weakness, boy if they only knew. Right now I’m probably the strongest person in Stockholm for not letting it get the best of me, and for that I should be both feared and respected.
We can’t control what happens to us, but what we can control is how we choose to deal with what life throws at us. There will always be toxic people out here trying to set you off balance, but as my man Ketut says;
“You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it’s like you have 4 legs instead of 2. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God.”
And so I’m standing, somewhat wobbly but still standing on my four shaky legs and there’s no storm in the world that could overbalance me, making me fall flat on my face. Everyone has something that works for them, for some medication can work, others have to sweat it out. Sometimes I need both those things, but right now it’s all about writing and listening to copious amounts of old school hip hop.
I guess what I’m trying to tell you, kids, is that you should never let anyone walk over you and make you get off balance. Find that one thing that makes you smile, get your groove on and dance in public if you need to. Be weird and silly, because life is too damn hard as it is, so why fall into its traps when you could be having fun with it instead? Yes, there are days where I feel like the fetal position in the corner of my bed is the greatest idea ever (today is one of those days and there will be pizza involved) but the truth is that the sun will rise the next day and what you make of that day is what defines you as a person. You’re more than these overwhelming feelings. Crying is good, let it out and move on. And never underestimate what a box of pizza and cookies can do.